Peace In The Promise

So there you are, having an innocent catch up with some friends, and then it happens. A small comment is made – a suggestion – inviting another voice to piggyback off what has been said. It is as if a match has been lit, waiting for more fuel so that it may expand into a greater flame. You had told yourself “I will not give in” but, all of a sudden, your tongue begins to betray you! It begins formulating and constructing all of these slanderous sentences, jokes and suggestions faster than you can consciously seem to process.

Alas, you are now gossiping.

Though you knew all along that the hook was disguised within, the bait was too tantalising to let up. It seems random and uncontrolled, but let’s look at the word of God concerning this matter:

A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. ~ (Luke 6:45)

So…could this mean that all that is coming out of your mouth, ramble or not, is evidence of what resides in your heart?

Absolutely.

Participating in or instigating gossip can often reflect that you have something against the person that you are gossiping about, but in other cases, it could also mean that you have a greater desire to ‘maintain appearances’ than you do to preserve or uphold the reputation of the individual you are gossipping about.

I know I have been guilty of this, and it is something that I am consciously striving to overcome (It’s as if God keeps presenting situations before me that test me in this area until I get it right 😂).

I’ll let you in on a secret: I used to feel majorly uncomfortable during awkward silences in conversation, to the point where I developed a habit of filling every quiet moment with dialogue. I learnt this habit through observing those around me who appeared skilled in dialogue, they seemed to know how to keep a conversation flowing, and I somehow believed that I needed to be the same (prior to this, I was quite accustomed to just silently cringe during an awkward silence and not force any dialogue 😂). I have since improved in this area, especially as I grew to understand that not every moment requires dialogue, and silence is a great time to reflect and just be in the moment, (taking deep breaths and biting my tongue have worked a treat 😂) but I still find that in certain situations, this trait still flares up to say “hello” 🤦🏾‍♀️.

It wasn’t until I began dissecting why it was that I became so uncomfortable with awkwardness in dialogue that I realised why I continued to compromise my morals and values in order to ensure that the atmosphere was not awkward. Even if it meant nervously chuckling along to an innapropriate joke that I really did not find funny, making a comment about someone that was completely uncalled for, or involving myself in topics that really are of no interest (or benefit) to me – I found myself succumbing to all of the former in an attempt to maintain a somewhat ‘awkward free’ atmosphere.

I realised that it stemmed from an adolescent desire to ultimately be accepted by my peers. I feared that if I allowed an awkward silence to pass after an innapropriate or questionable comment, that they would feel bad, think that I didn’t like them and therefore not like me, or that they would discover that I was in fact an imposter that did not always enjoy maintaining casual conversation as it often exhausted me and I would hardly know what to say 😳😱🥴. I wanted others to feel comfortable at the expense of my values, to the point that my mouth would move faster than my brain could rationally process and faster than I could sit and reflect on the fact that the Holy Spirit was convicting me of my idle speech and laughter.

I was so convicted as I knew that my witness was being observed and tainted by the very act of gossip, for, how can I preach love and unity whilst advertising slander and gossip from the same vessel?

I became frustrated and even grew to resent my tongue, for, at times, it felt like it moved faster than I could catch it. And most of the time I was speaking empty words that I did not necessarily stand by! Before long, I was not only a bystander to gossip, but I was fully contributing to it with my own transcripts, files and footnotes. This frequently left my spirit grieving and my brain asking me why the heck I had just said what I said!

Upon identifying the root cause of my gossip, I realised that my solution needed to be deeper than just “trying my best to not gossip” for, as long as my fear of man’s opinion of me overrid my reverence for God and his word, I was going to fall short every time, as my tongue would continue to fail me (or, rather, expose me) due to the fear of man that lay true and deep within my heart. I needed to not only exercise self control in the areas of gossip, but I ultimately needed to trust in God to help me to overcome my need to please others – my “fear of man” – as, in no longer fearing mans opinion greater than I feared God, I would no longer shape what I said to fit what I believed they wanted to hear, as I would have a greater concern for loving and reflecting Christ in all that I said, did and thought.

It can often be a challenge to know where to draw the line between counsel and gossip, but I hope the following explanations can help to distinguish the 2:

• Counsel is usually done with a trusted and Holy Spirit led mentor/elder/brother or sister in Christ. Its purpose is not to belittle another individual, nor is it to air out another’s dirty laundry, but it is to gain clarity over a situation in order to ultimately obtain a righteous solution.

• Gossip, on the other hand, is not solution focused; it has, rather, a flesh gratification focus. You “vent” in order to make yourself feel better, in order to make the other person look bad, in order to make yourself look better, and in order for others to share your view point, without even hearing the other side! It does not often seek a peaceful resolution, and it is not simply shared with a select rational and Holy Spirit led individual, but it is often shared with multiple individuals that you know will share your viewpoint and not righteously challenge your outlook and perspective to look more like Christ’s. It is, more often than not, in your flesh’s favour.

Let’s look at a few scriptural and everyday reasons as to why gossip is unwise, detrimental, and quite simply a poor form of communication:

Scriptures

• You reap what you sow ~ Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. (Galatians 6:7‭-‬8 NLT)

• We are called to treat others as we would like to be treated ~ Do to others as you would like them to do to you. (Luke 6:31 NLT)

• We are called to love our neighbour as ourselves ~ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” (Mark 12:31 NLT)

• Gossips are untrustworthy ~ A gossip goes around telling secrets, so don’t hang around with chatterers. (Proverbs 20:19 NLT)

• Gossip separates friends ~ A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends. (Proverbs 16:28 NLT)

• Gossip is wicked ~ Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. (Romans 1:29 NLT)

• We are told to speak edifying words and to get rid of all kinds of evil behaviour ~ Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:29‭, ‬31‭-‬32 NLT)

Everyday reasons

• Gossip does not solve the issue, nor will it repair your heart

• Gossip does not edify, rather it spreads unrighteousness like a toxic, scentless, gas

• Lets be honest…when you make up, it makes it awkward when you’ve been gossiping + spreading negative information behind their back the whole time you were in conflict

• You can never take back the words that you speak, or the words that others hear (See proverbs 18:8)

• You are ruining your witness as Christ’s representative – who would want to come to Christ when their only example of him talks about everyone they know?

A well intended “vent” or “air out” session without a mature, impartial/neutral and disciplined individual present can rapidly lead us down the slippery slope of gossip. Why? It takes a mature, disciplined and self controlled tongue to interrupt gossip without fear of man’s retaliation. It also takes a neutral and Holy Spirit led individual to assist in providing righteous, rational and non emotionally driven counsel.

Ultimately, it is wise to cast our cares unto Jesus before taking them to man. He will grant you the righteous, bias free, and true perspective over every situation when you seek him and his word. It is in casting our anxieties and cares to him that we can truly obtain a peace that transcends all understanding – not in gossipping with everyone on our “close friends list” on social media.

Seeking godly counsel is also wise and encouraged in the Word. It speaks of the importance of settling disputes among believers with believers rather than taking them to the world to obtain a solution (see 1 Corinthians 6). It is, however, important to understand that we are not to use “godly counsel” as a covering for gossip.

If in doubt:

• Ask God to help you to understand the difference between godly counsel and gossip

• Check your heart (lead a reflective/evaluative lifestyle) and uncover the motive behind why you are saying what you are saying

• Refer to the above examples I have provided differentiating gossip from godly counsel

• Practice spending more time listening to what is being said rather than always rushing to formulate a response. In doing so, you give yourself time to digest what has been said and can then formulate a righteous response! (See Proverbs 18:13)

Lord knows that ultimately we need his Spirit to guide us, and he will surely guide us when we let him!

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Fire goes out without wood, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.

Proverbs 26:20 NLT

Peace!