Peace In The Promise

So as you have probably guessed by the title, I’m pregnant again, y’all!
In light of this exciting news, I thought I would share a bit about my first pregnancy.

Enjoy!

So about a month or so after our honeymoon, I started becoming more emotional than usual (😂) and my period was late. My body works like clockwork, so I was pretty sure that I was pregnant. This suspicion was pretty much confirmed one morning when I woke up for work and I started crying about not wanting to go (can y’all relate? 😂). Steve (my husband) prayed for me and encouraged me before I left. I remember getting to work and being like “what the? What was all that about?” I texted Steve joking about my breakdown in the morning and said “maybe I’m pregnant 😂” and we both laughed. I passed by the chemist on the way home and was absolutely buuuusting. I literally went to Zambreros next door to the chemist and took my pregnancy test in their loo 🤣 (hey! A toilet is a toilet, y’all!) I finally looked at the stick and it was positive! My eyes went all big and I had the biggest grin on my face.

A few weeks after I discovered that I was pregnant, God told me to leave my job (one that I had just received by the way, like I hadn’t even started yet 😅). This was such a stretch for me, as I am the kind of person that likes (and NEEDS) organisation and order! I felt safe upon receiving this job as I felt like it gave me stability. I could create a consistent budget from my earnings, have great benefits as a permanent employee, and have the security of keeping my position during my pregnancy and post giving birth! But God clearly let me know that this was not where He wanted me to be (I will share more about this in another post).

So, after resigning from my job, I began battling with this question: Who am I, and what am I doing with my life?

I had just come out of a season where everything had happened so rapidly. I had graduated high school, studied at university, graduated university, started working with my new qualification, got engaged, got married, was now pregnant…and now, that everything had seemingly come to a standstill, I felt quite purposeless!

God revealed to me that I was feeling purposeless because I had placed my identity and worth in my achievements and works, so now that things felt like they were at a standstill career-wise, I was confronted with this truth: I didn’t truly know who I was, or what my value was outside of a busy life or my qualification. God had to re-teach me what my value was, and who I was in him. He had to show me that I was not justified through my works, that I was still worthy even when I was not busy, and that I was more than my profession and my degree! Jesus didn’t love me because I went to university or because I had a permanent job or because I did anything, he loves me because that’s his nature!

This revelation had to make its way from my head to my heart, and it was definitely a gradual learning process for me!

When I reflect on my first pregnancy, I can definitely say that though I did not struggle so much physically (e.g. morning sickness, pain and discomfort etc.), I was tested mentally and emotionally (can any mamas relate? Yo, talk about a rollercoaster 😂)! I remember there being months where, each morning when I opened my eyes, an overwhelming sense of dread came over me! I remember feeling incredibly tormented, like there was a niggling cloud that was following me, and a weight on my chest that I could not move, no matter what I did.

I remember putting on a mask of happiness as I went to my appointments (and many outings for that matter), as I didn’t want to start crying in the Drs office. And because I was so cheerful externally, they never suspected that I may be struggling inside. I can remember filling out the postnatal depression screening form and holding my breath (I’m trained as a Registered Nurse, so I was quite familiar with it) as I knew that my answers would indicate some sort of risk. As my Dr. went through the answers that I had selected, she said in a concerned and yet gentle tone, “But you always seem so happy?” I just awkwardly blinked back tears whilst attempting to smile, but my external mask of happiness was seriously cracking. I already knew that I was usually quite a happy person (with the usual ups and downs that we all face), so to admit that I was crying most days, waking with fear and dread in my heart, battling negative thoughts, and not looking forward to the things that I used to was quite a challenge for me! (Side note: this goes to show that just because one may appear happy externally, that doesn’t necessarily reflect their interior)

I received some heartbreaking news during the final months of my pregnancy. I constantly asked God “Why?” . Why was he letting this happen? Why me? Why now of all times? There was a day where it all became too much and I remember pacing in our theatre and just breaking down and crying. In that moment, I felt like Jesus was right there with me, reassuring me. It’s okay, cry. Was what it felt like he was saying. But what about the baby? I asked. And in that moment, God showed me an image of an angel standing in the corner of our theatre, holding our unborn son. Jesus told me that he was protecting my son as I expressed my grief. I needed to grieve and express my pain, at the very least to God, as it was too much for me to handle on my own.

One day I got seriously sick of the funk that I was in. It was as if I was in a constant loop of despair and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I no longer recognised myself or my attitude and I just said “enough!” I began speaking life over my day. I would get up in the morning and say “It’s going to be a great day”. I wouldn’t just wish it, but I would pray that in faith and follow it up with action. I got my super pregnant self out of the house and started going for walks again, and even jogs (I was that 8 month old pregnant lady trying to do hill sprints 🤣 don’t kill me, it was more like a brisk jog)! I spoke to God and encouraged myself even if I didn’t feel like I could hear him. I rested when I needed rest, and I got up and walked in the sunshine even when I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t do this perfectly every day, but I definitely felt better for it. And though I still often woke with the heaviness, and anxiety and negative thoughts still tested me each day, I made the choice to not allow them to paralyze me and rob me of my life any more! You can’t have my mind. I told the devil. This is a season that I will not get back. This is a blessing, and I am going to make the most of this time. I would fight in prayer, and my husband would pray for me to. Sometimes I would immediately feel better, and sometimes I wouldn’t, but there was a growing hope within me that I didn’t have to feel down forever!

Something that God kept gently reminding me of each time I tried to overly busy myself or think of “all that I could be doing” was that this was a season of rest! And if this was a season of rest, a season of work must be following, so I ought to make the most of the rest that God was providing! I truly began to enjoy my pregnancy and my season of rest, (mostly) guilt free, again in the final month!

Amidst the excitement, I had some lingering fears when I discovered that I was pregnant for the 2nd time! What if the negative thoughts return again, God? What if I feel tormented again? But God reassured me that in all things, he is Lord! He will never allow something in my path that I cannot overcome through him. I am also learning that there is no harm in believing for the best. Usually I am quite the realist and would cringe at the thought of “believing the best”, as I used to see it as not being realistic. But one day I was prompted to ask myself: Who says that being negative or pessimistic equates to being realistic? I then asked myself: Why do you think that it’s okay to worry about the negative thoughts returning, but you don’t think it’s okay to be confident and hopeful in believing that they will not?

This challenged me and transformed my perspective, and I have been challenging myself to believe for the best from that moment!

I am so thankful for this pregnancy. I am so grateful to be able to house the next generation. Before falling pregnant with our son, we had many dreams about him, and when I was pregnant with him, God gave me his name. And before I even became pregnant with my 2nd child, we had dreams about them, and God also gave me their name! It just goes to show that we are each pre planned by God (God literally said to Jeremiah “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” [Jeremiah 1:5]). I’m of the belief that there is no accidental child to God, each of his children have been created specifically for the time that they come into the world. It excites me when God speaks to me about my children, their qualities and his plans for them. I have the privilege and responsibility of praying over them and encouraging them to be all who God has called them to be!

So whether you’re pregnant, or planning to be a parent some day, be encouraged! Allow yourself to enjoy the journey. If you are somehow not able to work during your pregnancy, embrace the time of rest without guilt, and, if you are able to work throughout your pregnancy, thank God for the strength! Make the most of the days where you feel energised, and go easy on yourself when you are exhausted; you are growing a whole human, in case you have forgotten!

And another thing, sometimes people will assume that you can still do everything because you look okay and/or haven’t said anything (often times it’s because they simply don’t know what’s going on in your body and mind) and if you struggle in the people pleasing area (like I did!), it can be a challenge to speak up for yourself, even when you feel overwhelmed. Listen mami, if anything is too much for you, speak up, and don’t feel bad about it (did I mention that you are growing a whole human being? Yeah? Okay). Most times they will understand, and if they don’t, it’s not your issue.

Here’s to housing and raising the next generation of world changers, y’all!

Have a super day,

Mirembe

Xo