Peace In The Promise

This is a tale for those who have been left wondering. Those that have believed, but have not been healed.

What happens when you have faith and yet you are still not healed? What do you do when you are full of hope and yet you remain the same? What does it mean when they lay hands and yet there is no change? Is it simply a matter of requiring more faith?

I was about 9 or 10 and we were on a school excursion at Scitech (a science based activity centre for children and families) when it first occurred. I don’t remember what had happened prior, but all I remember is going into the “Hall of Mirrors” and everything changing. Suddenly it was as if I was extremely intoxicated, all of my senses were overloaded and I could barely walk through the room lined with mirrors that already distorted your perception. I had to cling onto the walls and slowly feel my way out. It was super scary! Once I got out into the open, I collapsed to the floor. Some of my classmates asked me if I was okay, but it was all a haze, I could hear them asking me if I was okay but it was like I was in a fog (you know those scenes in movies when a bomb has just gone off, and everything is muffled and in slow motion? That’s exactly how it felt). I stumbled around for the remainder of the excursion trying to appear normal (as I was too scared to tell the teachers) and I somehow survived the bus trip back to school, but I felt so weird and afraid, so I kept it to myself and tried to avoid the others. I remember going to bed that night and praying that I would wake up feeling normal, and thankfully, the next morning, I did.

I didn’t really think about that experience until it happened again in middle school. This time, it was like a gradual build up in the day leaving me feeling like I was in a dream like haze by the afternoon. I had never experimented with any substances, and I hadn’t tried alcohol at that point, so I didn’t know what was happening to me. I remember crying to my parents and desperately trying to explain what I was experiencing, and they supported me as best as they could, but deep down I felt like they didn’t fully understand, and ultimately they couldn’t take the feeling away.

I would wake up feeling normal, then the strange feeling would build in the day, I would come home and before going to bed I would beg and pray to God to take it away. I would wake up and I would feel normal again, only for the strange feeling to build again throughout the day!

One day I woke up and the feeling was there from the moment I opened my eyes, and from that day on it never went away again (this was around 2008/2009, and I was about 13).

I was devastated.

What is wrong with me!? Why don’t I feel normal?

I remember going to the optometrist as we thought that maybe it had something to do with my eyes, I was so hopeful that glasses would fix it, but they did not help. I remember being told to “give it time”, but even time did not help. Next, they thought that perhaps it was my iron levels, but even with the iron tablets, there was no change! I was growing increasingly frustrated with being told to wait for things to work as I felt very misunderstood and like no matter how much I explained what I was experiencing, no one truly knew what I was feeling.

I started researching my symptoms online (hellurrr Dr Google, every hypochondriacs best friend 😂) in the hopes that I would find an explanation or cure, and in doing so I found others who were experiencing the same thing (sweet relief! I was not alone)!

We all shared common symptoms of:

• Feeling “here, but not here”

• Feeling far away

• Feeling like we were in a constant fog or a haze

• Feeling like we were in a dream

• Feeling somewhat disconnected from the world around us

• Like we were watching our life play out before us like a movie

In my search, almost everyone stated that there was no cure. Someone even wrote that “nothing will help so you might as well get on with your life and try to forget about the symptoms”. This saddened me!

How am I supposed to spend the rest of my life like this?

The onset of the symptoms affected my concentration and how I performed in my sports, at school and in all other areas of my life. From the outside, I appeared to be performing fine, but internally I was working so hard just to read a page, and to intercept a ball on the netball court.

I remember going to the GP with my mum and trying to explain myself to the doctor. I was experiencing symptoms of dissociation, however, as it wasn’t majorly hindering my quality of life, it was implied that there was more or less no solution for it other than to learn to cope with it. I left the GP feeling misunderstood and like I hadn’t explained myself in the way that I had wanted.

Amidst the many intense and confusing emotions that come with being a hormonal teenager in high school (oh, teen angst!), you can imagine how confusing, frustrating and frightening this time was!

About 5 years later, I gave my life to Jesus (in my sister’s bedroom, by myself, whilst watching YouTube 😂 modern day salvation, yo!). And can I be honest with you? I thought that once I got baptised, the feeling would disappear for good! It may have been a long shot, but I was so excited, expectant and hopeful! God, you say that I will be a new creation! I said to him. You said that the old me has died and the new me has come! So I was believing for a miraculous healing upon my exit from the water.

Alas, my baptism came aaannnnnd…..still no change (for real!?). I was excited about being baptised, but there was a undeniable pang of confusion and disappointment in me.

I don’t get it, why wasn’t I healed, God?

I remember a few well meaning people that would try to encourage me and pray for me, but in their passion, their comments sometimes left me feeling like “I wasn’t believing enough” or that perhaps the issue was that “I didn’t want this healing enough”. When, little did they know that, I had been begging and believing for healing from around 13 years of age! Even before I was saved I would pray and plea desperately to be healed. I would close my eyes, confident that I would be healed by morning, and I would wake up with the same intrusive fog like haze accompanying me all day long (like leave me alone). As you can imagine, this created a lot of frustration within me already, so I am sure that you can imagine how much more frustrating it was when I gave my life to Christ, was baptised and eager to serve God, and I still felt the same. I thought you would heal me, God? Are you punishing me? Do I not have enough faith? Is this just my thorn that I am burdened to carry?

I have learned that it’s okay to have questions for God (I mean, who doesn’t? I have countless questions!). In fact I personally believe that it’s healthy to give Him your doubts, and allow Him to address them, rather than pushing them under a rug and pretending that they don’t exist. I used to misinterpret certain scripture and think that it was wrong for me to ask questions, but I soon learned that, if I am not free to go to my own Father for answers, then where will I turn? David (in the bible) asked God a tonne of questions! Just read Psalms! All of his questions, concerns, fears, doubts and frustrations are poured out in song.

David proves that it is possible to allow your questions and frustrations to draw you closer to God and develop a deeper intimacy with him.

Coming to God with my questions didn’t always give me the answers that I wanted, but God often reminded me of important truths. He reminded me to trust in him. He reminded me that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, therefore these symptoms were not a ‘punishment for my mistakes’. He reminded me that though we have troubles, are tested and face trials in this world, through Jesus we can overcome. These answers weren’t the direct healing that I wanted, but the Holy Spirit (who is the Spirit of God that lives in those that believe) was giving me the tools and resources that I needed to be able to thrive, even with the “thorn in my flesh”. I realised that I didn’t have to wait for my healing to live and thrive, I could live and thrive right now!

So I made the decision sometime in 2017 to not allow the symptoms to rule my life. Prior to this, I struggled with anxiety and I would also become easily overwhelmed (I could start to cry hysterically without being able to pinpoint a specific cause!). I knew something wasn’t right, and that I wanted (and needed) to get a grip over myself. This is where getting help ties in!

Seeking help is so important, sometimes that looks like opening up to a trusted loved one or friend, other times it looks like talking to a professional. I am thankful that I had 2 in one! When I got overwhelmed, I would open up to a loved one who was also a trained mental health professional. It didn’t remove the symptoms, or even fix my frustrations in the moment, but it was somewhat liberating to be heard and to be able to air my frustrations out to somebody, rather than to have them build up in my mind. This loved one was also able to provide another perspective and give me practical tools that assisted me in challenging moments.

I don’t believe God created us to figure out our problems alone and in isolation, he has given us families and community for a reason! Talk to God, and talk to trusted people, even Jesus told his disciples that he was “grieved to the point of death” when he was about to be arrested in Gethsemane (Matthew 26:37-38; Mark 14:33-34).

I used to cry, as I feared that the dissociative symptoms hindered me from being able to love. I feared that I would not appreciate my one day husband or my wedding day, and I feared that my family did not know how much I loved them, as I felt disconnected from others. I feared that when I eventually became a mother that I would not be able to love my children properly, and that I would not be able to soak in each moment due to my haze like state. I feared not being able to get my license as it was so hard for me to concentrate and focus. I used to fear missing out on so much and not being able to appreciate life to the quality that I would have if I was “normal”!

Fast forward to a few years later and I got my license, was able to graduate high school, was accepted into my preferred university, I was able to graduate university with a job waiting for me in the field that I had studied in, receive further job offers, get married, give birth to a son, and more. And I am hopeful that there is still so much more ahead of me!

I know that God carried me through all of these accomplishments, and for that, I am grateful. I look back and smile as, once upon a time, I did not think any of these things were possible for me (especially when I was in the early days of experiencing dissociative symptoms). But here I am today!

Though the symptoms are still present 24/7, they are no longer at the forefront of my life. Though I may not have received my healing yet, God has given me the ability to live abundantly, without letting the symptoms control me. God told me, in those times when I would cry about not being able to love, that he would teach me, as HE IS LOVE (1 John 4:8). On my wedding day, he gave me such joy and peace that still leaves my husband and I in awe to this very day. The tearful breakdowns that I used to experience all stopped before I got married. The birth of my son was an unforgettable experience (I actually thought that maybe the symptoms would help me to not feel the, ahem, intensity of labor…I was wrong 🤣), I am able to soak in each moment with my son, and I didn’t need to wait for my perception to be perfect in order to love him well! (Hallelujah!)

I am hopeful for my healing, whenever it may come. But in the meantime, I am not putting my life on hold until it comes. Whilst I remain hopeful for the healing that I know God can bring, I will live my life, as it is not on pause. I will eat well (and I ain’t talking about kale salads, ya dig? 🤣 okay fine I’ll go make one…right after I finish these chips), try to get enough rest (“try” being the key word…y’all know I have a 1 year old, right?), exercise (does pushing a shopping trolley full of shopping + an 11kg toddler count??) and talk about my feelings, rather than bottling them up!

I’ve not come to this state overnight, and I still have a huge amount to learn! But I pray that you can be encouraged through my story that there is hope! You can thrive, thorn or no thorn (but seriously, if you have no single thorn I need to know where you live 😒😂 like, how do you have no weaknesses!?)

It is my prayer to all of you reading this that if you are affected with some kind of ailment, be it physical, psychological, spiritual or emotional, that you are completely healed and restored! I also pray that you experience the tremendous joy, peace and love that can only come from God right now where you are. I pray that you know that you do not have to wait to receive your healing in order to be loved and to love well. I pray that you don’t have to wait for your healing in order to live a full life, at whatever capacity you are able. I am sorry for your suffering, and I pray that your burden is lifted. I pray that you are restored and renewed in mind so that you can turn this thing on its head! You are a conqueror, you are a champion, you are LOVED, and you are valuable.

It is very natural and easy to feel forgotten by God when you see others being healed and set free and yet you yourself are not being healed, but know this:

Your value does not decrease due to illness. Nor does it increase once you are healed.

Jesus loves you now, as you are, where you are.

So live!

Lots of love,

Mirembe

Xo

…I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

(2 Corinthians 12:7‭-‬10)