Peace In The Promise

So we started weaning our son this week, and it has definitely brought back some memories of how it was the first few weeks after he was born.

As I dragged my tired, aching self out of bed the other night and bounced on that yoga ball holding our son as I hummed his favourite song between yawns, real adult tears sprung to my eyes. No, not tears of how beautiful the moment was, but tears of extreme exhaustion and helplessness. I don’t even know what I’m doing. Was a thought that crossed my mind. And this was a familiar feeling that I had experienced in the first few weeks after he was born. In those early days, I remember feeling anxiety, fear and dread when the night times came. There was also a sense of loneliness, even with my husband right beside me and my mum in the back room. I remember feeling like I would not survive the week, and that God was crazy for letting us have our son! (those first few weeks can be real, fam, but we made it!)

Despite the negative thoughts, the many tears, the snappy remarks, and those times where I pretended to be asleep and kicked my husband so that he could wake up and get our son (love you!), we made it here, 13+ months later! And now, amidst a new challenge, I was reminded of how I didn’t think I could get through those first few weeks, but I did. So here I am, tears of frustration in my eyes, a cranky baby in my arms, still not quite 100% sure of what I am doing, but that does not stop me from trying (You will go to sleep so help me!!!).

I am learning to appreciate that at times parenting isn’t about doing it and enjoying it or doing it and knowing what you’re doing 100% of the time, it’s sometimes just about being there and doing the best that you can.

A few weeks ago I was able to worship at an amazing conference called “Speak For Her Conference” at Faith Horizon Church (check them out, they are doing amazing things for the global community! I’m talking supporting kids and families experiencing poverty, saving individuals from modern day slavery, bringing people to the knowledge of Jesus Christ’s love, and more!), and one of the speakers shared about God’s agape love for us. She shared that agape love is not like the other forms of love that we as humans experience. It is not emotionally based and it’s not ‘give and take’, it’s unconditional. It is literally God choosing to love us, regardless of our faults, because that’s who he is. I realised in this moment of bouncing my son on the yoga ball (that I used to bounce on when he was in my belly) that perhaps God was leading me to love my son with His agape love in that moment. As much as I care for my son, I did not want to be awake and humming, I wanted to be asleep in my warm bed, as I was exhausted (can I be real?!). I wanted my son to be able to sleep on his own without needing to feed or be bounced on a ball. I wanted it to be so easy to transition him off nightly breastfeeds. But in that moment, despite not liking the situation, I still chose to be there. I chose to be there because my son is my responsibility, I chose to be there as I knew my son needed help in getting to sleep, and I was able to provide that help to him, I chose to be there because I love him – even if it didn’t feel like that lovey dovey warm and fuzzy love in that moment (seriously mate, go to sleep).

I looked over at my husband who had fallen asleep earlier after saying “wake me when you need to swap” and was tempted to wake him (if you didn’t have work the next day, I would have! HA), but I left him and I began to speak over and encourage myself despite feeling like I was going to lose it (SLEEP!).

Good on you, ma, you are doing it. You are exhausted, you are aching, you want to sleep, but you are here, comforting your son in a time where he needs you. You might not want to be in this situation, but you are still doing it. Good on you. You are doing a great job. You don’t always have to love it, but you’re doing it.

I think sometimes we can pressure ourselves to have to love every part of parenting (and other areas of life), but we are human! Sometimes, your child is going to be screaming in front of your face and you will look at him as he looks at you and you will have no clue of what to do in that moment. In those moments it is okay to acknowledge that you feel frustrated and helpless. Thinking that ‘having negative feelings towards situations involving our children means that we are a poor parent’ only places unnecessary pressure on us to respond perfectly to every situation, and that only further damages our emotional and mental wellbeing.

We try to teach our children to express their emotions in a healthy and appropriate way, and are constantly asking them “what’s wrong?” “what happened?” Or “How are you feeling?” But we often forget that we too need safe outlets in which we can express our emotions and address how we are feeling and why we are feeling that way.

For so long I would feel guilty for having certain thoughts or for feeling certain emotions during my fresh parenting days (And I still struggle with that today sometimes!), but once I opened up and talked about how I was feeling, hearing someone say “I went through that too” or “It’s okay, you are going to be okay” is often all I needed to hear to feel better, as it made me feel normal! I realised that I was not alone in feeling how I felt. And isn’t that often all that our kids need? A safe place to have their thoughts and feelings heard and addressed, and to be reassured?

Aaaanywho, by day 2 of weaning, our son was still fussy in the night, and we were still exhausted, but it’s like somehow our perspective had shifted. We were laughing at everything. I was holding our crying and semi tantruming son and doing weird squats in an attempt to get him to settle (it really gets like that sometimes, HA), hubby started eating ice cream, I was pulling faces, and eventually, our son went to sleep. It was such a silly night, and one to remember as, during that night, I really saw how perspective can change everything. The circumstances were the same as the previous night, but our outlook was different, and it made the experience a lot less frustrating and a lot more humorous! I was reminded that though we can’t always control certain situations, we can choose how we respond to them.

Ultimately I thank God, because when we started this weaning process we asked God to help us as, and I quote, “We have no idea what to do!” (that seems to be a common theme in my prayers hahaha, might as well be honest, right?). And he is really coming through, not always in the way that we think, but always in the way that we need!

If you need some encouragement in the crazy walk of parenting, this scripture was my sanity in the first few months:

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
(Isaiah 40:11 NIV)

You’ve got this…better yet, God does! He knows you and your kid(s) better than you do, so trust Him! It takes the pressure allllll the way off.

If you’ve read this far, God bless ya! And if you have skipped to the end, Jesus is watching 👀👀👀👀

Either way, have a splenza (splendid) day!

Much love,

Mirembe
Xo